


The World Was In His Hands When He 'Bout Lost His Mind

by normanrebates



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Character Death, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Mild Gore, Past Child Abuse, Polyamorous relationship, Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Trans Gavin Reed, Transphobia, i mean i'm killing an oc in the first part so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-01 23:36:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15784455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/normanrebates/pseuds/normanrebates
Summary: a collection of short- to medium-length pieces exploring my personal headcanons surrounding Gavin reed and several other characters, ranging from his homelife as a child to his drug addiction and getting clean. warnings, ratings, and tags may change, as more characters are involved and mentioned.





	1. First Light

Elmwood cemetery was pleasantly warm that Memorial Day, but not oppressively hot. A cold front was coming through from the north, cutting the temperature down to a manageable low 70's, but Gavin didn't bother taking off his jacket. It wouldn't be long this time. 

He'd walked this path countless times in the eight years since the accident. Her birthday first, the 19th of May, he brought her flowers. Memorial Day, usually just about a week or so later, he brought more flowers, and some of the small soapstone animals she loved so much to set along the bottom lip of the tombstone. When he came with Hank on Cole's birthday, he made a point to come back by, this time with a stuffed bear to replace the ones that got destroyed by animals and the weather the year before. But it was Christmas that was the hardest. He usually avoided the cemetery on Christmas Day, and avoided leaving the apartment at all on the anniversary of the accident. 

Gavin turned off the main path and down a smaller, more narrow gravel walkway into a shaded corner of the cemetery, beneath the massive outstretched limbs of trees that lined the outer perimeter of the walls. The roots of an overgrown maple not far from her headstone threatened to break through the wall from beneath, but for now things seemed to be holding up. He felt his feet dragging as he got closer, turning the flowers over in his hands and took a moment to look over the soapstone fox in his hands.  _Come on, Gavin. It's been eight years. You can do it._ _It doesn't get any harder, does it?_

He swallowed.

No. It didn't get any harder, no. But it certainly didn't get any easier from this point, either. 

_"Mm, what about cancelling the caterer and just ordering pizzas?"_

_"Oh god, no. Mamá will throw a fit over pizza at a wedding. Honeybee," He cast a glance her way, all warm dark skin and quick, sharp, clever eyes. Her hair was tucked in her favorite headscarf, brilliant patterns. She turned her gaze to him, eyes warm and bright. Happy. She smiled and it lit up the tiny interior of the old Honda._

_"do you think it'll snow?" she asked._

_"I think so. Only 'cause you want it to snow so bad," his voice still broke and cracked under the weight of testosterone injections. he probably still looked like a teenager then, but Kate loved him for himself. It was that smile that had drawn Gavin into her, made him open up to her. She was brilliantly smart, an intern at cyberlife's coding department and planning on going for her EMT license once her internship was over. She'd taken honors classes through all of high school and graduated top of their class. She was tall and slender and loved music and books._

_"I hope it snows," she said, turning her eyes back to the road. Gavin reached over and took her hand, smiling gently before focusing back on the road. He started to ask her something else, but she gasped and tensed. Gavin snapped his attention back to the road and slammed the brakes, but the road was still slick in some patches and the wheels skidded, the car fishtailed, and his hand clenched around hers as the bus crushed the honda beneath its massive weight. Gavin had to have blacked out, because the next thing he remembered was the car facing the opposite direction, facing the oncoming traffic, a thousand bobbing sets of road hazard lights kicking on and off in succession. His ears rang, his chest felt heavy, and he felt something hot and sticky drip down his face and into his mouth._

_"... Katie?" he croaked, head swimming as he turned to look._

_He wished he hadn't._

_"... Kate. Katie... Katie, wake up. Katie!" She was laying almost-gracefully over the console, her seatbelt the only thing keeping her from collapsing backwards completely. Her lips were parted, a trickle of red trailing over her cheek from the corner of her mouth. Her soft brown eyes were still open, staring at the domed light in the ceiling of the car without seeing anything. Soulless brown eyes, now. He reached over to touch her cheek, then his eyes traced down the rest of her body--..._

_He screamed, scrambling backward and out of the car. When Gavin's ass struck the pavement it shot pain through his broken leg, and he sat there in the cold for a long moment, two days after christmas, watching the passenger side floorboard of his little old Honda Civic fill with Katie's blood._

_In the hospital, the doctors explained that the force of the crash had been so strong that he was lucky to be alive. That the impact had nearly torn Katie's legs from her body, but she'd hit her head hard enough that she hadn't been alive to feel it. No one visited him in the hospital beyond Hank, who in four years would be in the same position--a hospital bed, knowing that someone had died because of him. Hank tried to stop by everyday or so, but Gavin wasn't much for conversation. Hank tried, really tried, but Gavin just had nothing else._

_The only thing he wanted was Katie back._

_The day, a month later, that would have been their wedding date, it snowed from sunrise to sunset._

He stopped at the foot of her grave, tracing the face of the soapstone fox in his hand. His heart couldn't decide if it wanted to stay in his throat or drop to his feet, but he sat at the headstone and placed the flowers and the little fox at the foot of the headstone. Her name, though he'd read it countless times since the pink granite stone was placed, still caused an echo of pain to flower through him.

**Katherine Barber**

****May 19, 2003 - December 27, 2031** **

****"Nothing's Going to Grow in this Mean Cold, but We can Still Have Flowers."  
\--Colson Whitehead.** **

She had been buried in her wedding dress. Her family had been sympathetic enough, but it was a grudging kind of sympathy, as if they didn't really care that  _he_ was hurting too. They'd never liked him much anyway, but Katie had loved him, and he'd never forget that Katie had loved him more than anything, even if everyone else on earth forgot.

"Hey Honeybee," he murmured, smiling, as he adjusted the little fox until it sat at attention with the other little animals. "So... A lot has happened. The androids are free now. I know you'd like to know that. I... I skipped christmas this past year... I know. And I'm sorry... So much happened. I got a new partner and there were all these android murders and... You'd laugh at me Katie, but androids aren't so bad, you know? I know you know. That was the only fight we ever had. When I called androids 'plastics' and you got upset. i remember that... well I was wrong. Androids aren't just 'plastics', Katie."

he felt rather than saw the presences behind him and he smiled. "speaking of androids... Katie, this is Connor and this is Jasper. They're... They're mine." the words felt clunky as they came out, but he felt Connor kneel beside him first and wrap his arms around his shoulders. Jasper, the rk900, placed a hand on Gavin's shoulder. "I know it's probably not what you expected... But they've helped me, made me better. I'm... I'm really happy that I met them."

The androids let him sit and talk to her for a while longer before the clouds started to roll in from the north. Connor looked up and sighed gently. "Gavin?"

"... yeah, I know. It's gonna rain... I'll try to stop by more often, katie... I'm sorry it's been so long." Jasper helped them both up, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

"Gavin," The rk900 said softly, as he guided them both toward the car, "Why you were speaking to the dead?" Gavin had to admit, his cute little cyrillic accent would be the death of him one day. 

"It's hard to explain. I just want closure... I miss her, you know? but I know she would be proud of me, for being able to move on..." As they trailed out of the cemetery, Gavin felt an invisible weight lift from his shoulders, one he hadn't realized he'd carried for nearly 8 years. Maybe he wasn't so guilty, after all.


	2. Crossing a Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An exploration of Gavin's childhood and the meaning of family, featuring and told from the PoV of an OC. Title from Mike Shinoda's Post Traumatic EP track of the same name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tws apply for suicide, child abuse, transphobia and homophobia.

Randy knew something was up when Gavin was half an hour later than his already-tardy, typical arrival of 8:30. Jasper and Connor had been present at their expected time, but for Gavin to not be with them... it bothered him. Still. Randy knew better than to go through the detective's boyfriends to get his answers, so once Gavin had settled in, Randy moved to get coffee and came back with a cheery yellow disposable cup of joe for him. It felt weird to be the one leaving his desk. Gav was the one that made the rounds around the precinct for social hour, after all, doing just as much gabbing as actual work. Felt even weirder without his own robotic partner in crime at his side, but Noble was dead-set on deep-cleaning the house and taking care of the dog's upset stomach, so he was flying it solo. Besides. It wasn't like the hk400 was even a  _cop_ in the first place.

"Hey Gav," he said, sitting on the corner of Gavin's desk. Reed frowned, but accepted the coffee gratefully, taking a sip of liquid energy.

"Hi, Lutz," he grumbled. Randy tilted his head, brows furrowing. That wasn't normal. Usually Gavin would playfully call him names if he was in a good mood, or, if he was at least functioning, he'd at least spit out a 'Randy' or 'Rand'. 

"Uh-oh. Last names. What happened?" Randy sipped his coffee and winced when he burned the roof of his mouth. He fanned his hand wildly for a few seconds, before the coffee cooled enough to swallow. Gavin watched the over-dramatic display with vague humor across his hazel eyes and a small grin on his lips.

"If you wanna pass the detective's exam, you gotta learn to keep your cool, Rand. Hot coffee included." Gavin shoved Randy's knee aside playfully as he ducked over his terminal to check his inbox. Randy didn't press it at first, just sipped his coffee and watched Gavin pretend to work for at least ten minutes, before Tina's frantic waving across the bullpen caught his attention.

 _What's up?_ she mouthed. Randy shrugged.  _He okay?_

 _Not really. Was late this morning._ Randy mouthed back. Tina's expression soured.

 _Talk to him. You're the only other person in the office he trusts. I have patrol._ Randy sighed gently and nodded once, turning his attention back to Gavin. He, Gav, Tina and Kate had all been close during the academy, though Gavin seemed to have hurled himself head-first into the department after the accident. It was why he was a detective so young. Well. He wasn't 'young' for a detective now, but when he'd been given the title he'd been one of the youngest in the state. While he screwed up his courage, Randy took a look around Gavin's desk. An orange tabby ceramic planter with a single little succulent inside decorated the corner nearest to his terminal. A few bumper stickers that he'd not put on a car (Gavin was anxious about driving since Katie's death, after all) hung from a whiteboard with magnets, with sayings like "in loving memory of when I gave a fuck" and "don't stress meowt" (featuring an adorable kitty). One was just that old drawing of the cat flipping the bird with each paw. The funny thing was, though Gavin had the potential to be a real dick, Randy knew there was more to him than just, well, the dickishness.

"Hey. Can I talk to you?" Randy asked finally. Gavin cocked his head.

"... Yeah, dumbass, you're talkin' to me already."

"Cut the shit, Reed. The hell's wrong with you? You only put on this tough guy act with me when something's up, so what's going on?" 

"Nothin's goin' on," Gavin sputtered.

"Bull-fuckin'-shit. You called me Lutz. You only do that when something's bugging you." Though he looked ready to argue, Gavin sighed and pressed a palm to his eye. Randy just watched, certain that Gavin wouldn't tell him, when the detective stood and motioned for Randy to follow him to the breakroom. Once there, Gavin sat at the table and placed his palms on the chipped formica surface, tracing a curved gouge.

"... It's my dad," he said finally. Randy set his coffee aside, the hollow bottom of the cup making a soft  _clunk_. "he's in the hospital. I didn't wanna tell you 'cause of your..."

Randy made himself tear his gaze away, detach from the conversation about dads. His own father had killed himself when he'd been in college. That was part of (if not entirely) the reason that Randy had dropped out of college and went to the police academy instead, to take up the familial mantel of 'protector'. It was why Randy had lost his trust in God and his religion (or at least what he had been raised to believe), when Father Bailey had refused to speak to the family afterward. As if his father's suicide had been their fault. As if his father's rapidly failing mental health was a disgusting sin. Randy sipped his coffee, a new wave of frustration washing over him. Gavin sighed gently.

"Sorry, Randy, I... I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's fine,"  _it's not fine,_ the tone of his voice betrayed."What's wrong with your dad?"

"Eh, Rebecca wouldn't tell me much," Randy snorted. So he'd had Gavin's sister tell him.

"Asshole," the prospective detective scoffed, sipping his coffee again. For several beats, the frustration hung in the air like a heavy blanket, thick and stifling, as both Randy and Gavin fumed about their respective situations. Then--

"I'm not gonna fuckin' go see him," Gavin's voice was thick with emotion, but Randy didn't bring it up, "Fuck him and fuck my sisters. They let it happen just as much as he did it."

 _Clunk!_ went the bottom of Randy's cup, brows furrowing over cool blue eyes. "... What are you talking about?" He knew that Gav's dad hadn't exactly been a supportive kind of parent, but beyond that, he didn't know much. Gavin flexed his hands, the joints cracking and popping beneath the worn, scarred skin of knuckles. At first Randy wasn't sure he would tell him--as he deserved, considering he wasn't exactly 'inner circle.' Gavin kept his groups of friends as tightly-knit as he could, and if he didn't see Randy as 'worthy' of that information, he wouldn't get to find out. Still, the officer figured that Gavin had had a difficult life up until fairly recently, with the arrival of Jasper and the reconciliation with Connor. Gavin picked at a torn thumbnail and rubbed his eyes.

"... I... When I came out to my dad he... didn't take it well," Gav admitted.

"'Well' meaning...?"

"He beat the fucking shit out of me, Randy. Every chance he got. Every time I fucked up, you know, kid shit... Bad grade on a test, forgot my chores, cussed in the house... Mom tried to get him to cool his jets but it never worked. She only recently accepted it herself but... she tried. That was more than my sisters did."

Randy blew a breath through his teeth. He forgot there were still those kinds of people around... He offered Gav a donut from the box on the table behind him and the detective took it, picking at sprinkles and letting little multicolor segments of sugar fall to the speckled formica.

"He always said that if I wanted to pretend to be a boy, he'd show me what being a 'man' meant. But whatever..."

"It's not whatever Gavin. It wasn't right for him to do that to you."

"Yeah. I know that now... Hey can I ask you something?" Randy sipped from his cup and nodded, "How'd your parents take it? When you came out to 'em?"

Lutz smiled. "Eh... Not bad. I was thirteen or fourteen I think, and by then I think my mom knew. Dad was oblivious but mom knew. I came home from school and just flopped on the couch and said 'mom, i have to be honest with you. I'm so gay.'"

Gavin snickered. Randy nudged his foot under the table and continued with his story:

"She just kinda smiled. 'Did you have a good day at least? Any cute boys?' And pulled me out of catholic school so I wouldn't get so picked on. Dad seemed shocked but he wasn't mad at me. Took some adjusting for him... Ricky made fun of me. My brother's a real dickweed." For a moment both were silent, before Randy gathered the courage to speak again.

"... What about you?"

"Dad um... Immediately cracked me across the face... Hard. He was pissed. He thought I was making shit up or... Wanted attention? I dunno. He was a jerk..." Gavin's phone pinged with a notification and he glanced at it, hazel gaze darkening. Randy didn't want to ask but, at the same time, was flooded with abject curiosity. But he waited until gavin seemed to calm down. 

"He's asking for me. By my deadname." Randy winced. He wasn't trans and he couldn't even imagine how that would feel, to be called by a name that held that level of pain. 

"... I should go see him." 

"What? No. Gavin, you don't owe him anything. He abused you. Beat you, neglected you, hurt you... He can't even use your real name. Don't go see him just because he's your dad. A real dad doesn't do that to someone. Your mom's husband, he's a good guy, right? Actually cares, calls you Gavin, calls you his son. Family doesn't have to be related to you by blood, Gav." 

Gavin's eyes focused on the formica in front of him, then the curl of steam from the edge of his coffee cup, as he thought about what Randy had said.

"If you need a brother, I'm here too." He knew Gav's siblings were all shitheads. He'd met Mary and Rebecca himself a while back, when he'd graduated the academy. They'd seemed full of themselves even then. Mary was a lawyer in New York and Rebecca was a math teacher for one of the charter schools outside the city. Both had shit-eating husbands and terrors for children of their own. Gavin seemed at once jealous of their happiness and proud of making his own way, but Randy knew that the pride was only a little stronger than the underlying envy.

Jasper slipped into the breakroom with Connor on his tail and Randy smiled.

"Hey boys. What's cookin'?" He saw a flicker of a smile cross Connor's face, but Jasper's expression twisted into confusion.

"... Nothing is cooking, Officer Lutz. You are feeling well, yes?"

"Wh... Jasper. It's an expression..." Randy chuckled a little, going back to his coffee as he listened. Something about a case and Connor was filling them in on what he and Hank had managed to tease out the previous day. As Gavin stood to follow Jasper out to the car, Randg noticed that the coffee and the donut had been entirely untouched, save the arc of rainbow sprinkles scattered across the tabletop.

* * *

 

"Randy? The hell happened to you?" It was Friday night, when he, Gav, Tina, and more recently, Hank and Chris, hit up Jimmy's for drinks. It was Jimmy himself who had spotted the flowering burgundy bruise under Randy's eye and the dried halo of blood clinging to his nostril. Jimmy moved to first hand Randy a wet cloth

"Jesus Christ, Rand..." Gavin said, his beer bottle clicking against the surface of the bar.

"Ah just.... the assholes from 11," he muttered. Conflict over a ticket and jurisdictions. That was all.

"Your eye looks bad... lemme guess. Kremers." Gavin grunted. Jimmy grabbed some ice and threw it into a towel-wrapped bag and handed it to Randy to press to his eye.

"Yep. Kremers. Lovely touch of homophobia, as usual. Noble already flipped his lid, so please, let it die. It's gonna be fine..."

"You gotta do something about it."

"Kremers is just pissy because I sided with the androids during the rebellion and his wife left him for another woman. Once he calms the hell down, I'm sure he'll fuck off about it..."

"No. He won't. He's an asshole, Randy. What, he call you a fag?"

"Gee, it's like you know him or something," Randy managed a meek smile and shrugged, ordering a Jack and coke. Jimmy mixed it up and placed it in front of him, and Randy tipped the glass toward him before taking a swig. Hank sniffed.

"You shouldn't let Doug talk to you like that, Randy. None of you should let a blowhard like him get to you. He's just a textbook asshole who doesn't know shit." 

Randy shrugged a shoulder. No news to him. 

"I'll still beat his ass for touchin' you," Gavin's sudden defensive tone took the guys (and Tina) by surprise. Gavin usually never gave a shit. Randy wondered if part of that was the talk they'd had that morning. "You're my brother. Just cause we don't have the same blood doesn't make you less of my brother... i'll beat Doug Kremers into a pulp for you, Randy. No worries."

"You really don't need to do that Gavin... I mean it. It's fine."

"Nah. It's not fine. Look it would be one thing to haul off and sock you in the face over something stupid, but it's a totally different one to be a fuckin homophobe while you do it. Guy needs to learn. Once you pass the detectives I'll personally drive you to his house to rub your fuckin' badge in his ugly little pig face."

The rest of the night devolved from there, and Noble showed up promptly at two to pick Randy up. The cop hadn't had more than two drinks but he was grateful his fiancé could at least keep his word. Randy let him fuss over the bruise for a few before ushering the android out.

"You need to be more careful, Andrew." Noble scolded gently, smoothing Randy's curls back, "Come on. Let's get home so I can look at that better..." 

The next day Gavin was on time, with a pair of black eyes, a busted nose, and a split lip. Doug Kremers didn't bother Randy again.

Gavin didn't visit his dad in the hospital, or when the old man got out of it, either. Randy was silently glad.


End file.
